Heide McConkey is a leading professional sex therapist. She has developed the unique model of Voice Dialogue in Sex Therapy, for a faster and more effective treatment of human dysfunctional sexual behaviours, including sexual addictions, obsessions and compulsions.
If you think you might be a sex addict, or you know somebody who's life may be affected by a sexual addiction, you might be interested in bookmarking this page. For further information on sex addiction and how Affirmotive's sex addiction therapy can benefit you, please contact Heide during office hours or by email
Are You Addicted? Signs of Sex Addiction
'Sex addiction has a specific definition: The inability to stop your sexual behaviours when you want to, despite your awareness of the adverse consequences of your sexual acting out. It disrupts your life with you spending more time satisfying your cravings.'
Do you have a pattern of out-of-control sexual behaviours?
Are you experiencing severe negative consequences as a result of your sexual behaviours?
Have you seriously but unsuccessfully tried to stop your out-of-control sexual behaviours?
Are you persistently trying to cut down on your sexual activities?
Do you persistently pursue high-risk self-destructive sexual activities?
Do you use sex or sexual obsessions as your primary coping strategy in dealing with negative mood states?
Do you need to increase your sexual experiences because you are disappointed or bored with your current level of satisfaction?
Do you experience severe mood shifts around your sexual activities?
Do you spend inordinate amounts of time in preparing for sex, being sexual, and recovering from sexual activities?
Do you have difficulties in meeting your occupational, social, marital, parental or recreational demands due to your sexual behaviours?
Do you neglect self-care by prioritizing sexual activities over your needs for health, safety, recreation, food and sleep?
Are you in financial difficulties because you spend significant amounts of your money on sex?
Do you experience financial or occupational set-backs as a consequence of your sexual obsessions and behaviours?
Are you at risk of, or have you broken the law to feed your sexual needs?
Demystifying Sex Addiction
'Untreated sex addiction is like a bargain exchange of short-term extreme pleasures, in exchange for the long-term, high cost, steady meltdown of one's life'.
Development
An infant experiencing faulty early care giving is likely to develop impaired attachment abilities. As a consequence, the person is at risk to form unhealthy attachment bonds with sustenance and behaviours, including sexual behaviours, at later stages in their life.
Addiction, including sex addiction, is NOT a moral failure but a treatable anxiety and attachment disorder.
Childhood trauma such as early exposure to pornography, sexual suggestion, sexual touch, molestation, incest, rape or non sexual abuse are often reported by affected individuals. Some people do not remember any behavioural abnormalities in their up-bringing, but experience sexual addiction.
Stress can also play a significant role in sexual behaviours, with sex and sexual fantasies being used as a means for stress reduction, - with increasing use in times of aloneness.
Research confirms addiction does not discriminate. Addiction can happen to anyone and requires professional treatment. There is growing evidence of a combination of contributing factors including emotional, social, biological, genetic, and physical influences.
Sex and Love Addiction
Sex addiction is not primary about sex, but about chasing a high. Sex is used like a drug. The sex addict achieves their high from engaging in sexual fantasies or sexual acts.
Sex is used as a 'thing' with little attachment to a partner. Affected persons act out sex with a single focus on getting their hit, despite negative consequences.
Negative consequences may include intense feelings of shame, guilt, loss of control, helplessness, self-disgust, aloneness, financial hardship caused by overspending on sexual paraphernalia and behaviours, fear of exposure, fear losing loved ones and friends, fear of legal consequences, and unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.
Withdrawal symptoms, even if unpleasant, are a normal response from the brain in an effort to adjust from the chemical imbalance, caused by the sexual addiction, to a normal equilibrium. This process can last a few days and up to two month.
The love addict derives their high from frequently attracting new partners who promise the gift of love. Persons addicted to faulty love lack healthy boundaries, personal independence and self worth.
Consequently, affected individuals are prepared to do almost anything to impress and hold onto a novel partner. Sex takes a secondary place of importance and may or may not be enjoyed by the love addict. Sex is used as a faulty means to impress and bond.
The presence of an untreated sex or love addiction typically affects a person's ability to form healthy partnerships.
Love addicts tend to lose interest in their partners quickly, and may experience intense episodes of aloneness and depressed moods. These feelings are commonly overcome by moving on to a new relationship.
Sex or love addicts may live alone or in a primary secure relationship, while maintaining a secret sex life or short term relationships with one or multiple partners, despite negative consequences.
Background
Sex addiction is not primarily about sex or orgasm but it's own neurochemistry. When a sex addict is fantasizing or acting out a sexual behaviour, various neurotransmitters (brain chemicals) are released and produce a high. Sex addicts carry their drug of choice inside them and can get a hit when ever they want, even if sexual acting out is only a fantasy act.
Sex addicts 'on the chase' experience similar symptoms as common in drug addiction, such as sweaty palms, quickened pulse, and dilated pupils. Sex addiction is not a moral failure but a condition that can be compared to the characteristics of a drug addiction.
Some sex addicts may not complete physical sexual arousal responses, such as achieving an erection in men or lubrication and engorgement of the vagina in women, but nevertheless experience a high from the release of various neurotransmitters from their brain, including dopamine, serotonin, GABA, glutamate, and opioid peptides.
An additional chemical named phenylethylamine or PEA also seems to play a role in a biological basis for sexual addiction. PEA is a brain chemical, commonly present in states of euphoria and falling in love. Researchers have argued for elevated levels of PEA with feelings of infatuation, boosting excitement and euphoria.
There seem to be some evidence that the love and sex addict may depend on physical and psychological arousal that is triggered by PEA. Although these persons do not use any substance, they may experience similar symptoms of craving and withdrawal.
Behaviours
Stage one acting out
Compulsive masturbation
Compulsive masturbation to point of injury and danger to health
Compulsive or excessive use of porn
Compulsive relationships
Obsessional sexual fantasies
Compulsive sex avoidance or sexual acting out
Increase and escalation of sexual experiences
Inability to stop
Violation of sexual boundaries, (e.g. relationship, workplace, friends, strangers)
Anonymous sex
Compulsive use of sex workers
Compulsive use of establishments (e.g. bathhouses, sex clubs, brothels, escort services, etc.)
Frequent switch between multiple sex partners
Devoting inordinate amounts of time to sex (fantasizing, preparing, acting out)
High risk sexual acting out behaviours despite a possibility of exposure, infection, injury or accident
Please note that most sex addicts do NOT progress to stage two or three behaviours.
Stage two acting out
Exhibitionism
Voyeurism
Indecent phone calls
Sexual touching without permission
Violation of sexual boundaries, (abuse of power by professionals; e.g. doctors, lawyers, counsellors, teachers etc.)
Level three acting out
Sexual behaviours involving violence
Rape
Incest
Child molestation
Child pornography
Sexual addictions, like any other addiction, develop over time and, if left untreated, increase in intensity and severity. Urges to act out are typically preceded by specific triggers or negative mood states, such as permissive environments, accessibility, faulty self-permission-giving, faulty sexual awareness, faulty sexual arousal, stress, anxiety, irritability, tension, frustration, boredom, emptiness, or aloneness.
Sexual acting out will for a short time provide a high of intense pleasure, relief and relaxation, followed by feelings of deep shame, guilt, self disgust, and dis-satisfaction.
Coming down from sexual high is marked by withdrawal symptoms and can last from a few days up to several month. The impact of those withdrawal symptoms can vary and may include; dizziness, muscle tension, genital pains, anal and abdominal cramps, stomach upset, reduced sensitivity, headaches, forgetfulness, sleeplessness, restlessness, sweating, sudden chills, anxiety, mood swings, depressed moods, and feelings of loneness and emptiness. Symptoms can range from mild to severe.
In order to relieve symptoms, sex addicts typically act out more sex or resort to co-morbid addictions; such as alcohol, drugs, smoking, disordered eating, or disordered exercising, etc.
Rituals preceding sexual acting out behaviours may be compulsively performed in order to set the stage. Some sex addicts spent extended periods of time to prepare their bodies, clothing, sex toys and environment for their sex play. Others may choose from a range of designer or prescription drugs, including nicotine and alcohol, to get in the mood, or as a trade off currency for sex altogether.
Others may frequent brothels, strip-bars, swingers clubs, other sex clubs, hotels, saunas, bathhouses or pick up joints. A common ritual is in inventing reasons for 'working late', 'travel', or arranging for their partner or family to go away, in order to create private time for sexually acting out.
Rituals include arranging private spaces and time for internet pornography, chat room or phone sex.
Some sex addicts spend much time and money on preparation or acting out by pursuing new sex partners, organizing and using call girls, rent boys, escorts, hotel rooms, sex toys and equipment, books, tapes magazines etc. with pornographic contents. Others spend time and money on wining and dining, or grooming their sex partners with presents or promises.
Another group of sexual addicted persons will carefully and compulsively choose environments with a single focus to creating access to unsuspecting and non consenting victims.
Ritualistic preparation and planning of sexually acting out behaviours promotes a state of euphoria and arousal. Arousal may be confused with love, entitlement or power. Intensity and excitement take the faulty place of intimacy.
Over time, sexual fantasies, preparation, planning and sexual acting out may become the centerpiece of a sexual addicted person' life, and the appetite for sex is increasing to the point of insatiable.
The sex addict climbs from high to higher, from special to self professed specialist, from perfect to super performer, with no limitation, no boundaries, no self control, and with no chance to ever be satisfied, content or happy.
Sex addicts may lose control over their situation. Not being able to control and stop, despite being aware of the negative consequences, further intensifies feelings of shame, guilt, helplessness and a real fear of being out-of-control.
The sense of being out-of-control, can lead to restricted lifestyles, social withdrawal, mood difficulties and hopelessness. Frequently, individuals with this difficulty may also suffer from substance dependency, depression and anxiety, suicidal thoughts, difficulties managing the demands of work, and often intense feelings of aloneness.
Untreated sexual addictions and compulsions carry a high risk to mental and physical health and may include;
Losing primary relationships, family, friends
Depression
Isolation
Mood disorders
Substance abuse
Self harming
Accident or death as a consequence of high risk sexual acting out behavior
Suicide
Increased risk for contracting and spreading sexual transmitted infections (STI's)
Losing self esteem
Losing control
Dangerous and self destructive sexual behaviours despite being aware of the negative consequences
Imprisonment
Note! Only some sex addicts become sex offenders. Affirmotive has a mandatory reporting duty if the counsellor has knowledge or sufficient reason to believe that a crime, including a sex crime, has been committed or is planned to be committed. If you are AT RISK to offend, don't wait, call now! Sex addiction is a treatable disorder.
If you have recurrent thoughts of suicide, you must immediately contact your counsellor, doctor or nearest hospital!
